Thank God, it's Lent!
I suck at discipline. Can I get an Amen!? Come on Church let me here ya now!
Is it just me? It can't be. Every year I resolve to big things for Lent- true penance, and every year I prove to be utterly and amazingly weak. So far this year may top them all though because here it is - 10:30 pm on Ash Wednesday night and I already feel defeated.
The day started out ok. I awoke to a crying baby, as I do most mornings, and instead of lying there and deciding between grumbling as I begrudgingly get out of bed (to show my husband what a martyr I really am) or laying there and pretending to be asleep until he gets up - I sincerely asked myself the question, "What would lead me to holiness?" I was shocked at the complexity of that question at 5:45 am. I know that there must be Saints who have been in this exact situation but sadly I don't know of a story that recounts it. While I thought about it I stumbled into the baby's room and consoled him. Once it was clear that he wasn't going back to sleep I got over myself and retreated quietly (so as not to wake up the rest of the house) to the living room. I made a conscious effort not to put the tv on. Instead, I tapped into my new magnificat lenten companion app and did some morning prayer. ( see, i told you it started well).
With no breakfast in my stomach, piles of laundry at my feet and lots of coloring time with the 3 year old it didnt take long before i was already tired of Lent. By 9:30 I was ready for a nap. I dozed off for a few minutes while hubs read some stories to the kids and then remembered that there were still lots of things on my list to be done for the day. The least of which was to get us all to Mass. Even that went pretty well I must say. Sure we spent the entirety of the Mass in the cry room but we were able to keep the public spectacle level pretty low and we left without me having wanted to give my children away. Don't laugh, they give trophies for much lesser feats of heroism. Trust me.
The problem came this evening when after a long day of mostly avoiding it, i logged on to facebook AND turned on the debate so hubs and i could watch it. Sure enough, one of my friends posted a link about the priest who finally preached about contraception. See the article here. Many of her friends began posting comments that, to say the least, disagreed with the Church's teaching and of course I jumped in like mighty mouse. Small and feisty...
It's at moments like that when I can't tell if my passion is a need to fix (see previous post) or if I have been entrusted with sharing the truth in a logical way. I try my best to present facts that are plain and passionate and I always acknowledge that I am not meaning to offend...but still I walk away feeling broken and upset every time. Now, I do find that if I hang in there and stick to my guns WITH LOVE...that sometimes genuine dialogue comes out of it but it's so hard to get to that place. To top it all off the debate took me deeper into that moment of anguish and I ended the first day of this lenten season not thinking about God but fearing about our future. Somewhere in there is the right path between despair and passivity. I guess I have 39 more days to figure it out. (oh, and the rest of my life)
I can tell already it's going to be one hell of a lent.
Is it just me? It can't be. Every year I resolve to big things for Lent- true penance, and every year I prove to be utterly and amazingly weak. So far this year may top them all though because here it is - 10:30 pm on Ash Wednesday night and I already feel defeated.
The day started out ok. I awoke to a crying baby, as I do most mornings, and instead of lying there and deciding between grumbling as I begrudgingly get out of bed (to show my husband what a martyr I really am) or laying there and pretending to be asleep until he gets up - I sincerely asked myself the question, "What would lead me to holiness?" I was shocked at the complexity of that question at 5:45 am. I know that there must be Saints who have been in this exact situation but sadly I don't know of a story that recounts it. While I thought about it I stumbled into the baby's room and consoled him. Once it was clear that he wasn't going back to sleep I got over myself and retreated quietly (so as not to wake up the rest of the house) to the living room. I made a conscious effort not to put the tv on. Instead, I tapped into my new magnificat lenten companion app and did some morning prayer. ( see, i told you it started well).
With no breakfast in my stomach, piles of laundry at my feet and lots of coloring time with the 3 year old it didnt take long before i was already tired of Lent. By 9:30 I was ready for a nap. I dozed off for a few minutes while hubs read some stories to the kids and then remembered that there were still lots of things on my list to be done for the day. The least of which was to get us all to Mass. Even that went pretty well I must say. Sure we spent the entirety of the Mass in the cry room but we were able to keep the public spectacle level pretty low and we left without me having wanted to give my children away. Don't laugh, they give trophies for much lesser feats of heroism. Trust me.The problem came this evening when after a long day of mostly avoiding it, i logged on to facebook AND turned on the debate so hubs and i could watch it. Sure enough, one of my friends posted a link about the priest who finally preached about contraception. See the article here. Many of her friends began posting comments that, to say the least, disagreed with the Church's teaching and of course I jumped in like mighty mouse. Small and feisty...
It's at moments like that when I can't tell if my passion is a need to fix (see previous post) or if I have been entrusted with sharing the truth in a logical way. I try my best to present facts that are plain and passionate and I always acknowledge that I am not meaning to offend...but still I walk away feeling broken and upset every time. Now, I do find that if I hang in there and stick to my guns WITH LOVE...that sometimes genuine dialogue comes out of it but it's so hard to get to that place. To top it all off the debate took me deeper into that moment of anguish and I ended the first day of this lenten season not thinking about God but fearing about our future. Somewhere in there is the right path between despair and passivity. I guess I have 39 more days to figure it out. (oh, and the rest of my life)
I can tell already it's going to be one hell of a lent.
"we were able to keep the public spectacle level pretty low and we left without me having wanted to give my children away."
ReplyDeleteThis is how I describe our mass experience on the good days...