Aliens, Toasters and Chastity...
(This is the talk I gave to St. Mary's Lifeteen group Sunday night.)
I'm sure many of you have had to sit through 'Chastity' talks before and even more of you have had to sit through 'Sex Ed' classes in school. While there are good things about those kinds of talks usually they end up being lame and repetitive and can basically be summed up by saying "Don't do this, don't do that, if it feels good stop, STD's are bad, wear a condom, get on the pill and don't get pregnant! (but if you do make sure you get a tv show) did I cover it all?
Lets put all that aside for a moment and look at the real issue here. Your sexuality is a driving force in your life it fuels your desires and makes you long to figure the whole thing out right? And you get that, Young people get that there is something deeper there, something that has to do with the very fiber of your being. Unfortunately, there are so many different voices trying to tell you what it all means that it can be very confusing.
On the one hand you have pop culture; movies, music, social media, friends and tv- giving you one idea of sex. Namely, that sexuality is marketable, attractive, sensual and disposable. They tell you your not cool unless you're doing it and you don't have enough control over yourself to not do it anyway. That voice doesn't believe that you are good enough to do whats best for you. That voice says you are an animal.
On the other hand there are people who care about you like your parents, your core team members and your teachers. At best they are telling you- don't do it- if they're saying anything at all. I promise you as scared as you are at the thought of your parents sitting you down and talking to you about sex they are much more afraid!
And there you are in the middle of it all trying to figure it out. The worldly voice seems a little extreme but at the same time you connect with it, you're drawn to it...
So, the REAL question here is; What are you made for? Whats your purpose in life?
Thats what I want to help you figure out right now.
When we try to figure out what something is made for there are a few approaches we can take. So lets do a little exercise. Lets all imagine for a moment that you are an alien from outer space and you come to earth. When you land in a remote field the only thing you encounter when you open the door to your ship is one little toaster. Now, you have no idea what a toaster is or what it does or what its purpose is. How would you go about figuring it out?
Now, lets apply our little experiment to our question of what we are made for and what the purpose of our sexuality is.
According to the National Institute of Health, when used CORRECTLY, condoms have an 85% rate of effectively preventing HIV and anywhere from 50%-70% effective with many other common STD's. Now, if you're taking a Chemistry test 85% is cause to celebrate, but this is your life we're talking about. Would you take a chance on a parachute that was guaranteed to open 85% of the time?
Oh, but your boyfriend has never been with anyone else? Oh, you're just worried about getting pregnant, so you're on the pill. Although you may think it's harmless, contraceptives are not in your best interest. Here are a few things you might not know.
So we can see that 'trying stuff out can lead to some pretty detrimental consequences and these are just the biological results. The heartache and emotional stress that comes from teenage sexual relationships is immeasurable.
So, while we can learn something from trying stuff out, we can't learn the real purpose of our sexuality.
Think of the happiest married couple you know and use them for this part of the experiment. I say married couple because we want to see a real example of success. Your best friend who's been dating the same guy for a year doesnt give us that long term happiness that we desire. Anybody can 'have fun' for a short amount of time but trial and commitment are a real test. So, go on, think of the happiest married couple that you know. Having a hard time? Unfortunately we don't have ample examples of these couples do we? Why do you think thats the case? The breakdown of the family is more prevalent now than ever. Certainly divorce is at an all time high. Some of you probably come from a broken home and if you do I'm so sorry for that. The current divorce rate is somewhere between 40%-50%- that means almost 1 out of every 2 marriages end in divorce. This is very bad news for us. Additionally, couples who live together before they are married have a divorce rate of about 80%. This is VERY bad news for us. But here's the good news; couples who didnt have sex before they were married, who pray together, attend church together and don't use hormonal contraceptives have a divorce rate somewhere around 2%! Wow, thats pretty amazing. Maybe those couples have figured out what the purpose for sexuality is. Lets continue on with our experiment ...
Check out www.chastity.com for more helpful resources.
I'm sure many of you have had to sit through 'Chastity' talks before and even more of you have had to sit through 'Sex Ed' classes in school. While there are good things about those kinds of talks usually they end up being lame and repetitive and can basically be summed up by saying "Don't do this, don't do that, if it feels good stop, STD's are bad, wear a condom, get on the pill and don't get pregnant! (but if you do make sure you get a tv show) did I cover it all?
Lets put all that aside for a moment and look at the real issue here. Your sexuality is a driving force in your life it fuels your desires and makes you long to figure the whole thing out right? And you get that, Young people get that there is something deeper there, something that has to do with the very fiber of your being. Unfortunately, there are so many different voices trying to tell you what it all means that it can be very confusing.
On the one hand you have pop culture; movies, music, social media, friends and tv- giving you one idea of sex. Namely, that sexuality is marketable, attractive, sensual and disposable. They tell you your not cool unless you're doing it and you don't have enough control over yourself to not do it anyway. That voice doesn't believe that you are good enough to do whats best for you. That voice says you are an animal.
On the other hand there are people who care about you like your parents, your core team members and your teachers. At best they are telling you- don't do it- if they're saying anything at all. I promise you as scared as you are at the thought of your parents sitting you down and talking to you about sex they are much more afraid!
And there you are in the middle of it all trying to figure it out. The worldly voice seems a little extreme but at the same time you connect with it, you're drawn to it...
So, the REAL question here is; What are you made for? Whats your purpose in life?
Thats what I want to help you figure out right now.
When we try to figure out what something is made for there are a few approaches we can take. So lets do a little exercise. Lets all imagine for a moment that you are an alien from outer space and you come to earth. When you land in a remote field the only thing you encounter when you open the door to your ship is one little toaster. Now, you have no idea what a toaster is or what it does or what its purpose is. How would you go about figuring it out?
- Well first off, you could try some stuff out. You could put stuff in it and see what it does, you could push the levers, you could throw it around, wear it like a hat. There are many options.
- Secondly, you could observe what other people do with it. Thats actually a pretty good social experiment and it's probably how most of us learn.
- But, probably the best way to learn what somethings purpose is, is to read the instruction manual or if possible ask the person who invented it.
Now, lets apply our little experiment to our question of what we are made for and what the purpose of our sexuality is.
- We could 'try some stuff out.' Now, with a toaster in a field, trying some stuff out might lead to some inconsequential or even humorous results. Sexuality, on the other hand is such an important reality that 'trying stuff out' typically leads to disaster. Lets take a look.
According to the National Institute of Health, when used CORRECTLY, condoms have an 85% rate of effectively preventing HIV and anywhere from 50%-70% effective with many other common STD's. Now, if you're taking a Chemistry test 85% is cause to celebrate, but this is your life we're talking about. Would you take a chance on a parachute that was guaranteed to open 85% of the time?
Oh, but your boyfriend has never been with anyone else? Oh, you're just worried about getting pregnant, so you're on the pill. Although you may think it's harmless, contraceptives are not in your best interest. Here are a few things you might not know.
- When the first hormonal contraceptive came out it was tested on men and women. In the test group of men 1 man experienced some 'shrinkage. In the test group of women, 3 women died. The pill for men was discontinued and the pill for women was released with a lower dosage.
- The drug depo pravera is a common form of birth control because it is in the form of shot taken every 3 months. That same drug when given on a monthly basis to men is used to punish rapists by 'chemical castration'.
- Not to mention the common side effects of every kind of hormonal contraceptive. These side affects may include; Nausea,Weight gain,Sore or swollen breasts,Small amount of blood, or spotting, between periods,Lighter periods,Mood changes,Abdominal pain (stomach pain),Chest pain,Headaches (severe),Eye problems (blurred vision),Swelling and/or aching in the legs and thighs,Blood clots in the arms, legs, and lungs,Serious heart or liver disease,Cancer of the breast or uterus and so on..
So we can see that 'trying stuff out can lead to some pretty detrimental consequences and these are just the biological results. The heartache and emotional stress that comes from teenage sexual relationships is immeasurable.
So, while we can learn something from trying stuff out, we can't learn the real purpose of our sexuality.
- 2. Secondly, we said that we could look and see what other people do with it and what kind of results they get.
Think of the happiest married couple you know and use them for this part of the experiment. I say married couple because we want to see a real example of success. Your best friend who's been dating the same guy for a year doesnt give us that long term happiness that we desire. Anybody can 'have fun' for a short amount of time but trial and commitment are a real test. So, go on, think of the happiest married couple that you know. Having a hard time? Unfortunately we don't have ample examples of these couples do we? Why do you think thats the case? The breakdown of the family is more prevalent now than ever. Certainly divorce is at an all time high. Some of you probably come from a broken home and if you do I'm so sorry for that. The current divorce rate is somewhere between 40%-50%- that means almost 1 out of every 2 marriages end in divorce. This is very bad news for us. Additionally, couples who live together before they are married have a divorce rate of about 80%. This is VERY bad news for us. But here's the good news; couples who didnt have sex before they were married, who pray together, attend church together and don't use hormonal contraceptives have a divorce rate somewhere around 2%! Wow, thats pretty amazing. Maybe those couples have figured out what the purpose for sexuality is. Lets continue on with our experiment ...
- 3. Finally, we said the best way to find out the purpose of something is to consult the instruction manual or ask the maker. So lets do that:
Matthew 22:37–39
Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'
1 Corinthians 13:13
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Colossians 3:14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. .
Colossians 3:14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. .
1 John 4:8
Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
Do you see a common thread here? Love is the reason. You are MADE to Love! But you knew that already didnt you? Somewhere that resonated with your deepest desire because you KNOW that you are made for love. But what does 'love' mean?
The Catechism defines love as "willing the good of the other." In other words, love means to want whats good for the other person, notice I said 'good', not convenient, not pleasurable, not easy....GOOD. Sometimes that means doing things that are difficult to do whats best for the person you love.
That worldly voice that we talked about earlier….it’s not talking about love, it’s talking about lust. Lust is a lie to your body. Lust can never make you happy. Love can’t wait to give, lust cant wait to get. When lust says “ I love you” what its really saying is I ‘love’ you so much I’m willing to hurt you, I love you so much I'm willing to break your heart. I love you so much I'm willing to give you a disease. I love you so much I'm willing to drive a wedge between you and your parents and your friends….I love you so much I’m willing to separate you from God. This is NOT real love.
We look to our maker to see what real love is. 1 John 3:16
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.
Jesus Christ our model for love.He lays down his life for you. "Greater love has no man than to lay down his life for his friends." Real love is wanting whats best for the other person and being willing to sacrifice and suffer for them.Ok, so now we know what our purpose is but how does sexual 'love' fit in to this plan? What is the purpose of our sexuality?
Luckily the Church has the best insight on sexuality. Yeah, thats right, the CHURCH, has the best insight. The Church isnt telling you simply 'not to do it' or it's dirty. In fact, she's telling you its incredibly beautiful and good. So good in fact that you should'nt settle for anything but the BEST sex of your life! What are the criteria for sexual love?
- It's got to be 'Free': You shouldnt be forced to share that kind of love in any way. Sexual love that is coerced or forced is immoral, illegal and a horrible abuse of power. It has nothing to do with love or the fullest expression of love. Sexual love should be freely given and freely received.
- It's got to be 'Total': If you're going to give yourself to another person in that way it's got to be all or nothin! The idea that you can do something with your body and it be separate from your emotions and intent is a lie. When you give yourself in a physical way you are giving your WHOLE self. Thats why a breakup after sex is so incredibly painful. You've made a promise with your body that your heart can't take. The truest expression of sexual love is given completely and without reserve.
- It must be 'FAITHFUL'. If you're going to give yourself completely in that profound way it should be exclusively and forever. In other words, a total gift of yourself means that you don't share that gift with anyone else! This is why cheating hurts so much.
- Finally, it will be 'FRUITFUL': A loving friendship between two people brings about good things. So, how much more does a loving sexual relationship bring about good fruit. The most profound expression of this is new life! God thinks so highly of your sexuality that through it's greatest expression he allows us to be co-creators with him
"Have you come here freely and without reservation (total) to give yourselves to each other in marriage?" "Will you honor each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives (faithful)?" "Will you accept children (fruitful) lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?"
Do these questions sound familiar? These are the questions that the Priest asks a couple as they make take their wedding vows. THIS is why sexual love belongs to marriage. Because no other relationship is
able to provide the conditions for sexual love to thrive.Ok- now that we've figured out the purpose for sexual love and what we're made for- we can now talk about 'Chastity'.
What is Chastity?
I think Jason Evert gets it exactly right. He says, “Some think that “Chastity” simply means “not having sex.” But that’s mere abstinence: what you can’t do and can’t have. Chastity is more than that; it is about what you can do and have- right now: a lifestyle that brings freedom, respect, peace, and romance without regret.
When we experience that turmoil as we sit in the middle of competing voices about our sexuality our soul and our heart find peace in Chastity. It's the ONLY expression of sexual love that can really lead us to happiness, in every state of life. Chastity is not just for single people, it belongs to married people too. For single people it involves saving that beautiful expression of love in sexuality for marriage- when it can be lived out with passion and purpose. For married people it means living true to that free, total, faithful and fruitful model that it entered into. Marriage is NOT a license to 'do whatever we want'.
So, how does this actually play out in your everyday life. What are some practical tips to live a life of Chastity? (Thanks to Chris Stefanick for the first 3!)
- Don’t ask 'How far is too far". This is the wrong question. It’s like me asking how close I can drive my children to oncoming traffic. Or how close they can stand to the edge of the mountain. Ask instead, whats best for this other person who I love? Don’t think with your feelings. It’ll never end well.
- Stay out of stupid situations. If you find yourself behind closed doors and falling into sin well DUH.. you were made to reproduce. You are not a super-hero with some sort of amazing chastity powers. Stay out of dumb situations. Don’t hang out in the dark alley after midnight if you don’t want to get mugged and don’t watch a movie in the dark alone if you don’t want to sin.
- Where your mind goes your heart will go. Guys, this is especially for you. Don’t fantisize all the time..you can filter your thoughts! And PLEASE -stay away from pornography! What does porn do to your soul? Porn doesn’t show too much it shows too little..it doesn’t show a person anymore. Pornography teaches us that a person is something to use and then to throw away. This is not a good practice to bring into marriage. Girls- don't put up with it. If you are in a dating relationship where a guy is addicted to pornography, get him help and get out of the relationship. If you find yourself in this situation when you are married don't ignore it. He needs your help!
- Girls, watch how you dress and carry yourself. Sure you can't control what a guy thinks but you can control how you conduct yourself. Dress cute and modestly. Mystery is beautiful! Conduct yourself with respect. You are a beautiful daughter of God!
- When you fall short, go to confession! Go early and often! Stay close to the Sacraments. Go to Mass! Pray; pray the rosary, read the scriptures, plead with the Saints for their intercession.
- Finally, fast, when you learn how to forego worldly pleasures in small ways you'll be stronger in the moment of temptation to guard against sin. So, maybe you gave up chocolate for lent. Don't waste that. We fast to unite our suffering with the suffering of Christ. So the next time you have a desire to eat that chocolate rabbit- make your self control a prayer and ask that God will strengthen you and give you the grace to stay pure in sexual situations.
You are made for love, real love. Don't settle for anything less.
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