Be not afraid: How to talk to your little children about homosexuality.
Before I loved the Catholic Church, I loved people. I know it sounds a little 'kumbaya' but it's true. Don't get me wrong, I'm an introvert so I thrive on 'me' time. And aggravating people, well they aggravate me, but beneath it all I'm a humanitarian. I have a heart for the downtrodden and a strong sense for justice which means I spent a decent amount of my teenage and young adult years defending those who I felt were discriminated against. In college I had many friends and acquaintances who considered themselves homosexual. At the time I had also begun to explore my Catholic faith more deeply. The more I learned, the more it made sense to me and really resonated with me on a deep level. I found that the tenants of the faith expressed humanity in a way that I did not find anywhere else. The teachings of the Church were logical, beautiful and fulfilling in a joyful and sometimes painful way. All except for one; the Church's teaching on homosexuality. It seemed to make so much sense and yet it felt wrong to tell someone they couldn't love someone else. Mean. Unjust. In time, the Catechism changed all of that for me. It helped me to realize that the truth of the teaching desperately needs the charity with which is intended in order to carry the weight of such an important issue. Fast forward 15 years. I have a Masters Degree in the Theology of Marriage and Family. I've taught Moral Theology in multiple high schools. I've spent years as a College Campus Minister and I continue to work for the Church even today. I've given my life to the Church and her teachings (particularly the moral issues) because I believe that she is, in fact, an expert in humanity and the answer to every mans plight. I find that the Church's teaching on homosexuality is one that I'm still particularly passionate about; the truth AND charity of it- neverone without the other. I have given talks, taught courses had numerous conversations and written about this issue often because I feel equally passionate about defending the truth of the Church AND the dignity of those who identify as having same sex attraction. In fact, I believe you cannot have one without the other. For once, however, my intention here is not to write about what the Church teaches. The purpose of THIS post is for my other passion, my most precious gifts; my children.
Without sounding too cliche, the world is changing. Maybe you think it's PROgressing, maybe you think its REgressing. Either way, the change is obvious and undeniable. Parenting in this world can be uncertain territory. I mean just becoming a parent changes how you think about everything. I remember distinctly the elevator ride to the parking lot when my husband and I were leaving the hospital after having our first child. A sense of panic fell over me half way down when I realized they were just going to let us leave with this entirely new human. Thoughts about the present and the future become consumed around these little, precious lives. You don't even have to do anything to make it happen. The change is instantaneous. I met a girl once at a party in grad school who told me point blank that she never wanted children. When I asked her why she said, "Because then life couldn't be all about me anymore." It was a harsh response but her honesty was sobering. So true. It's not about you anymore, but you're so happy and sleep deprived that you don't even care. From that first moment there's a sudden temptation to want to protect them from every possible evil that could come their way; every challenge, every heartbreak; every failure. But, because we've all been children ourselves, we know thats impossible. As Christians we know the real goal is not merely keeping them out of jail or the hospital (even though those are important too). We know that the REAL goal is heaven. We are in the business of trying to raise little saints because, simply put, if 'heaven IS for real', what could possibly be more important? So, as Christian parents we look for more than simply how to feed and clothe them, we set our sights on holiness. It means we live differently and that we speak differently. The tenants of the faith have never been popular but the current climate of the world makes them utterly 'offensive' to popular culture. Among other things, we find ourselves in a world now where the legal definition of marriage has been changed. Catholics understand marriage as the primordial sacrament which means it has been 'since the beginning'. Before Christ raised it to a Sacrament, in the beginning, man and woman were created to be in union with each other to engage in a life-giving bond that was oriented toward God. As I stated earlier, however, the purpose of this particular post is not to give the reasons for the sanctity of traditional marriage, the purpose is to talk about how in a world where same-sex legal marriages are a reality (the world we live in now) we might discuss this with our small children in light of our faith. So, here we go...
While I do think we can discuss some particular situations and the actual words we should and could use with young children I firmly believe that this issue cannot be handled first and foremost in what we say, but in how we live. In some book that I read at some point (hows that for a citation?) Scott Hahn said that when people are trained to recognize counterfeit money, they are not trained with fake money but with REAL money so that when they encounter what is not real, it is unmistakable. The analogy is spot on here. If we live a life with no regard to our faith, if our marriage is in shambles and if we let media educate our children on morality and then we expect to have a conversation with them at 10 or 12 years old about anything regarding morality and think they will listen, we can think again. We have to give them whats real if we expect them to recognize whats not. Here are three non negotiables if you want to set the stage for thatconversation (and a myriad of others):
*Teach them that things and people are made with meaning and a purpose. There are endless opportunities for this with kids, especially toddlers, because they try to use everything for every purpose except the one it was actually made for. While you want to encourage their curiosity its also a teaching moment that you don't want to miss. For example: "Tommy, I see you using that toilet brush as a sword. Who do you think created that thing? Why do you think they created it? What do you think it was created for? This method comes in handy as they are discovering their body parts as well. ( I have 3 boys so...)
* In light of what they were created for, teach them to chose the 'good'. Instead of simply speaking of whats right or wrong, form them in each situation to choose the 'good' (in the best definition of the word) and teach them that we chose the good because it is what we were made for and its what will make us the most happy. Teach them also that sometimes people do NOT chose the good and that there are consequences.
* Teach them what love really means. The catechism (and experience) tells us that 'love is to will the good of the other.' It does not mean only how we feel, or what we want, though it can include those things, it means to want and chose what is good for the one we love. What is good is not always what is pleasant for them and it may mean having to say no. (This ones pretty easy to demonstrate as a parent since we have to say no a lot to keep the children that we LOVE from harm and general stupidity.)
*Teach them to suffer well. Suffering is so against our nature but it is an unavoidable part of life and if it is embraced it can unite us much closer with Christ. Tell them no when it's necessary. Don't spoil them. Teach them to sacrifice for others "You can have the last piece of cake brother." Teach them to be brave and to love the truth. And when they don't, teach them to handle their punishments with dignity. Not only will this help them not to be spoiled brats as adults but it will aid them greatly in their vocation and their holiness. We have to raise a generation of martyrs (white and red) if we are going to persevere.
These ways of living and philosophical principles are the building blocks to not just communicating with your children about tough issues but for having healthy, happy, holy kids and a kick ass childhood to carry them through life.
What do we say? Well, it's my though that if you live these things out even half-assed (thats about what I manage on a good day) that what to say won't be an issue when the time comes. But, since the title of the post is 'How to talk to your kids about homosexuality." Lets address that just for funsies. Nobody knows your child better than you. You know what he knows, and you know when he's ready. The question is when will we, the parents, be ready? Chances are before he gets to the age when you think he's good and ready to have such a discussion a situation will arise when you'll know it's time. They'll see something on tv or on a billboard or in school or in the grocery store that will get their little wheels turning and they'll give you that look. You know the one, the "I want to ask but I'm not even sure what to ask" look. Thats your cue. Strike while the iron is hot. Sit them down, ask them what they think and what their questions are. Then in an age appropriate manner put words to all the things they already know. Tell them about God's plan for mommies and daddies or man and woman or if they've managed to make it all the way to puberty by this time go ahead and speak to them about sexual difference and complimentarity. The point is, keep it on their level and simply say the things that you've been living. The words will come.
Maybe one of the most important things you can teach them in this moment is compassion for those who are struggling with homosexuality. The world presents two caricatures for handling this issue. Either you are tolerant and you support those who have same sex attraction in their lifestyleor you are a big, homophobic jerk who spouts insensitive, hateful, hell, fire and brimstone from your mouth. We are called to be counter-cultural on BOTH accounts. The Church stands in the gap of these extremes and calls for a third way. Teach them to be kind and to make amends for those who have not been. Teach them to be unafraid of the truth. Teach them to be unafraid of real love. Because if we can all agree on anything it's the undeniable fact that #lovewins.
While I do think we can discuss some particular situations and the actual words we should and could use with young children I firmly believe that this issue cannot be handled first and foremost in what we say, but in how we live. In some book that I read at some point (hows that for a citation?) Scott Hahn said that when people are trained to recognize counterfeit money, they are not trained with fake money but with REAL money so that when they encounter what is not real, it is unmistakable. The analogy is spot on here. If we live a life with no regard to our faith, if our marriage is in shambles and if we let media educate our children on morality and then we expect to have a conversation with them at 10 or 12 years old about anything regarding morality and think they will listen, we can think again. We have to give them whats real if we expect them to recognize whats not. Here are three non negotiables if you want to set the stage for thatconversation (and a myriad of others):
1. Family as Domestic Church.
Put your marriage first. The best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong marriage and to love your spouse completely. The love of husband and wife should image forth the love of the Trinity and of Christ for His Church. I know, I know that sounds so ....impossible? unbelievable? but really its pretty practical; Don't cheat, don't look at porn, don't contracept, don't tear each other down. Moms, show them what it means to be a real woman. Dads show them what it means to be a real man. Do show affection, do build each other up, do make time to keep the relationship strong and grounded in the Sacraments. Do have a full and happy life with your family. Laugh a lot. Love intensely. Pray with and for each other. Experience the world. Teach them compassion for others and to love the true, good and beautiful. Everything will flow from the bond of the Mother and the Father and you CANNOT underestimate how much this kind of family situation can form healthy, holy, well adjusted adults.
2. Set parameters...
...on the people they are with, the places they go, what they wear and the media/technology that they encounter. So, you know, be an actual parent. People throw the word 'sheltered' around like a dagger these days but when did it become a negative thing to shelter your child? You work hard to make money so that your kids can live in a house - a shelter- from the elements, storms, animals, darkness, and strangers so why wouldn't you provide the same protection morally? In the name of being 'cultured' we are leaving our children morally homeless. Look, I'm not talking about socialization. Raising weird kids does nothing for evangelization. I'm talking about exposure to things they don't have the maturity to deal with yet. Do you know the people they are with and how those people live their lives? Who are their friends? and maybe the most controversial...what are they watching on tv? listening to on the radio? playing on the ipad/iphone/computer? The reality is, they don't have to look for it anymore. It's looking for them and if you think your child would never come across anything inappropriate, you're already too late. Set rules, keep most technology away from small children. Yes, they will be mad at you. No, you shouldn't care. The first week will be hard but after only a few minutes of playing cards with you, they won't even remember what they ever did before. Don't get me wrong, my children watch tv, but in the age of Netflix we trade our cable bill for the ability to decide what they can or can't watch. You make your own decisions about what your child can handle but don't be afraid to set tough rules. Your job is NOT to be cool and if you are not the primary educator of morality, the disney channel will be.
3. Communicate
Be not afraid! It's scary, I get it. From the first time those adorable little munchkins utter the words "Mommy, where do babies come from?" we're petrified with silence. When the "why" stage rolls around we've learned every trick there is to avoid the question. By the time they're teenagers they've learned just not to ask anymore. We have to set a precedent for open (age appropriate) communication with our kiddos from the very beginning. Let them know that they can talk to you about anything. Ask them lots of questions. Make it a habit to have a meal together every day. Let them know you love them UNCONDITIONALLY. Talk to them with respect. Put your f*ing phone down and look them in the eyes. (Sorry for the language, I'm preaching to myself on that one.) and teach them to do the same. Learning to communicate is not just useful with your children. Learn to communicate, in charity, with their teachers, their friends parents, camp directors and anyone else who's care they might find themselves in. Be brave. Be honest and be bold. You may regret a missed opportunity.In the midst of these ways of living there are also some philosophical principles that you can teach even the youngest of children. Here is a list of some important ones;
*Teach them that things and people are made with meaning and a purpose. There are endless opportunities for this with kids, especially toddlers, because they try to use everything for every purpose except the one it was actually made for. While you want to encourage their curiosity its also a teaching moment that you don't want to miss. For example: "Tommy, I see you using that toilet brush as a sword. Who do you think created that thing? Why do you think they created it? What do you think it was created for? This method comes in handy as they are discovering their body parts as well. ( I have 3 boys so...)
* In light of what they were created for, teach them to chose the 'good'. Instead of simply speaking of whats right or wrong, form them in each situation to choose the 'good' (in the best definition of the word) and teach them that we chose the good because it is what we were made for and its what will make us the most happy. Teach them also that sometimes people do NOT chose the good and that there are consequences.
* Teach them what love really means. The catechism (and experience) tells us that 'love is to will the good of the other.' It does not mean only how we feel, or what we want, though it can include those things, it means to want and chose what is good for the one we love. What is good is not always what is pleasant for them and it may mean having to say no. (This ones pretty easy to demonstrate as a parent since we have to say no a lot to keep the children that we LOVE from harm and general stupidity.)
*Teach them to suffer well. Suffering is so against our nature but it is an unavoidable part of life and if it is embraced it can unite us much closer with Christ. Tell them no when it's necessary. Don't spoil them. Teach them to sacrifice for others "You can have the last piece of cake brother." Teach them to be brave and to love the truth. And when they don't, teach them to handle their punishments with dignity. Not only will this help them not to be spoiled brats as adults but it will aid them greatly in their vocation and their holiness. We have to raise a generation of martyrs (white and red) if we are going to persevere.
These ways of living and philosophical principles are the building blocks to not just communicating with your children about tough issues but for having healthy, happy, holy kids and a kick ass childhood to carry them through life.
What do we say? Well, it's my though that if you live these things out even half-assed (thats about what I manage on a good day) that what to say won't be an issue when the time comes. But, since the title of the post is 'How to talk to your kids about homosexuality." Lets address that just for funsies. Nobody knows your child better than you. You know what he knows, and you know when he's ready. The question is when will we, the parents, be ready? Chances are before he gets to the age when you think he's good and ready to have such a discussion a situation will arise when you'll know it's time. They'll see something on tv or on a billboard or in school or in the grocery store that will get their little wheels turning and they'll give you that look. You know the one, the "I want to ask but I'm not even sure what to ask" look. Thats your cue. Strike while the iron is hot. Sit them down, ask them what they think and what their questions are. Then in an age appropriate manner put words to all the things they already know. Tell them about God's plan for mommies and daddies or man and woman or if they've managed to make it all the way to puberty by this time go ahead and speak to them about sexual difference and complimentarity. The point is, keep it on their level and simply say the things that you've been living. The words will come.
Maybe one of the most important things you can teach them in this moment is compassion for those who are struggling with homosexuality. The world presents two caricatures for handling this issue. Either you are tolerant and you support those who have same sex attraction in their lifestyleor you are a big, homophobic jerk who spouts insensitive, hateful, hell, fire and brimstone from your mouth. We are called to be counter-cultural on BOTH accounts. The Church stands in the gap of these extremes and calls for a third way. Teach them to be kind and to make amends for those who have not been. Teach them to be unafraid of the truth. Teach them to be unafraid of real love. Because if we can all agree on anything it's the undeniable fact that #lovewins.
“Thus the little domestic Church, like the greater Church, needs to be constantly and intensely evangelized: hence its duty regarding permanent education in the faith…the family, like the Church, ought to be a place where the Gospel is transmitted and from which the Gospel radiates…the future of evangelization depends in great part on the Church of the home” Saint JPII Familiaris Consortio (#51-52).
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