10 reasons why you should absolutely never ever, not ever, have children.
A number of my friends have recently posted articles about the Time cover story "The Childfree Life"and as usual my diverse 'friends' list has yielded opinions on both sides of the issue. I've been moved (yes, again) to impose my 2 cents upon you via the almighty medium of THE BLOG. Feel free to move along if you don't want to read what I have to say. (Here's somebody who says it much better than I do.) If you want to stay could you take a couple steps to the right? I need to put my soapbox where you're standing. Thanks.
10 reasons why you should absolutely never ever, not ever, have children.
1. Pregnancy sucks. (because lets just start at the beginning) - There you are just minding your own business when your body, which was doing fine on its own, begins to change. Think about it; this little human who begins causing trouble when he's only the size of the head of a pin, takes residence in your uterus and decides thats a good place to set up shop for 9 months ( who are we kidding, it's really 10). Commence puking. Are you kidding me? Hold on, I feel that I'm not really making myself clear here, ahem, A PERSON BEGINS LIVING INSIDE YOU AND GROWING INTO A BIGGER BABY SIZED PERSON! If you reflect on this for just a second I'm sure you will agree that this is INSANE.
Nuff said about that.
2. Labor and Delivery. I'm not sure I really need to expound here but just in case you had some dreamy natural birth fantasy about how all that goes, stop it. A whole person comes out of you. It takes hours and hours, it's painful and if you think your body changed a lot during pregnancy go ahead and pull a human BEING out of it. You will never sneeze again without pee'ing a little on yourself. True story.
3. It's not about you anymore. Remember how when you got pregnant everybody got real excited and started treating you like a queen? They brought you the foods you liked and threw you little parties with Pinterest decor and desserts? Sure, the gifts they brought you mostly consisted of tiny onesies and Desitin but you barely even noticed that with all the cute belly comments and the pampering.
All thats over now sister. You are no longer of any significance to these people. Your sole purpose in life now is to transport this miniature, helpless, sleeping, crying little diva around so that everybody can fawn over her instead of you. Nobody likes you anymore, just change that yellow poop diaper and get over it.
4. You will never sleep again. You think you were tired during your first trimester? Think again. The lack of sleep that ensues after the baby is born is incomparable. You will experience levels of delirium your college days only dreamed of. You should just go ahead and get a Red Bull IV started in the delivery room. Oh wait, you're breastfeeding? Cancel that. And forget about finally having that glass of wine you've been dreaming about. Your life is now lived in 2 hour intervals. Enjoy.
5. Someone else's bodily functions. One time in 3rd grade this girl in my class had some virus that caused her to have explosive diarrhea and vomiting at the same time while we were in the cafeteria for lunch. So basically, that. Everyday. You'll be the one cleaning it up. It'll get on everything, in the middle of your meal (the one meal you had time to FINALLY sit and eat). And here's the clincher, after a few months, you wont even care anymore. You WILL go out of the house with baby puke all over your shirt, fully aware that it is there.
6. The terrible twos. Which I've come to the conclusion was named as such simply for the convenience of the alliteration. Cute. Because in REALITY it's the terrible twos, threes, fours, and all of it. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can't find his favorite dinosaur. Oh and public places are their specialty. You know whats awesome? The death stare that other people give in restaurants or Church when your kid is lying on the ground kicking and throwing mac-n-cheese. Equally as awesome is looking like a child abductor EVERY time you walk through a public parking lot dragging a kid who's screaming "No no! Help me somebody please!". It's fun really. It's like a game. A game that you lose.
7. The death of free-time. Feed me. Dress me. Bathe me. Play with me. Transport me. Pay for me. Me! But not you. Never you. Remember that time you sat around in your PJs all day watching every episode of Friends with only your good friends Ben and Jerry to keep you company? You'll be lucky if you have time to choke down the leftovers of Jr's lunchable in the car on the way to soccer practice. But not the name brand lunchable, thats not in the budget.
8. You have to pay for all their things. Speaking of budget, get another job. Because if you survive the hospital bill from just birthing the kid you'll spend the rest of your able bodied years paying for all the clothes and the food and the supplies and the events and the registrations and the tuition and the toys, oh the toys. And thats all before...
9. Teenagers. I don't have any yet but I've heard horror stories. I mean, if you can get them to 18 without them doing drugs, getting pregnant, flunking out of school or sexting (gosh, is that really a word?) then you MIGHT have a fighting chance of sending a semi well adjusted adult into society. And THEN maybe you can sleep. Or die.
10. Worry. From the moment that little pee stick turns pink to the moment you die- you will never stop worrying about them. You'll find yourself doing crazy things like creeping into their nursery late at night and getting as close to their tiny nose as humanly possible without waking them so that you can make sure that they are still breathing. Because the fear of losing that little pooping, screaming, puking being of inconvenience is much greater than risk of waking them up after they FINALLY fall asleep. You worry about where they will go and who they will become and how damaged they will be on the journey.
Ok, I've made my point. Parenting is inconvenient. These are all reasons that I've heard people give for not having children. But thats not to say they aren't very true. Believe me when I say they are true. So. Very. True. Every single one of them.
So, why then? Why even do it?
Simply, because it's worthy.
And yes, like anything worthy, it is difficult. But, since when is difficulty and inconvenience a reason not to do something that is true, beautiful and good? Because, it's not just a preference or thing that parenting 'type' of people do. It is a reality, like breathing, something bigger than you or me. Sure, some people are crappy parents. Some people do horrible things to their children. Are you really afraid you'll be one of those people? Both Hitler and Mother Teresa had parents. You'll probably fall somewhere in between. And I'll tell you something you've probably heard a million times before but is no less true, as I was writing that list I was laughing. Not because I'm so funny, but because even while every sentence of it is true, all of those horrible things pale in comparison to the absolute joy and beauty that they bring into your life. Hands down, no comparison.
And finally, because there is not a single other thing in this life that you will do that has a chance of making you into the better human being that you can become, by giving your life so completely to others, in the way that you do as a parent. Selflessness is gut-wrenchingly purifying. And really, isn't that why we're here? To be the people God intended for us to be; the holiest, most whole, versions of ourselves?
Addendum: This is something I failed to add initially but is crucial. Biological (or physical if you want to call it that) parenting belongs to the institution of Marriage, the two are inseparable. That being said, we are all, in EVERY state of life, called to be mothers and fathers in some sense. I have and know of many 'spiritual' mothers and 'fathers' who exemplify many of the same qualities in their relationships with their spiritual children. They are no less mothers and fathers than those with children of their own. This kind of parenting is particular to it's supernatural and beautifully sacrificial call.
10 reasons why you should absolutely never ever, not ever, have children.
1. Pregnancy sucks. (because lets just start at the beginning) - There you are just minding your own business when your body, which was doing fine on its own, begins to change. Think about it; this little human who begins causing trouble when he's only the size of the head of a pin, takes residence in your uterus and decides thats a good place to set up shop for 9 months ( who are we kidding, it's really 10). Commence puking. Are you kidding me? Hold on, I feel that I'm not really making myself clear here, ahem, A PERSON BEGINS LIVING INSIDE YOU AND GROWING INTO A BIGGER BABY SIZED PERSON! If you reflect on this for just a second I'm sure you will agree that this is INSANE.
Nuff said about that.
2. Labor and Delivery. I'm not sure I really need to expound here but just in case you had some dreamy natural birth fantasy about how all that goes, stop it. A whole person comes out of you. It takes hours and hours, it's painful and if you think your body changed a lot during pregnancy go ahead and pull a human BEING out of it. You will never sneeze again without pee'ing a little on yourself. True story.
3. It's not about you anymore. Remember how when you got pregnant everybody got real excited and started treating you like a queen? They brought you the foods you liked and threw you little parties with Pinterest decor and desserts? Sure, the gifts they brought you mostly consisted of tiny onesies and Desitin but you barely even noticed that with all the cute belly comments and the pampering.
All thats over now sister. You are no longer of any significance to these people. Your sole purpose in life now is to transport this miniature, helpless, sleeping, crying little diva around so that everybody can fawn over her instead of you. Nobody likes you anymore, just change that yellow poop diaper and get over it.
4. You will never sleep again. You think you were tired during your first trimester? Think again. The lack of sleep that ensues after the baby is born is incomparable. You will experience levels of delirium your college days only dreamed of. You should just go ahead and get a Red Bull IV started in the delivery room. Oh wait, you're breastfeeding? Cancel that. And forget about finally having that glass of wine you've been dreaming about. Your life is now lived in 2 hour intervals. Enjoy.
6. The terrible twos. Which I've come to the conclusion was named as such simply for the convenience of the alliteration. Cute. Because in REALITY it's the terrible twos, threes, fours, and all of it. Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can't find his favorite dinosaur. Oh and public places are their specialty. You know whats awesome? The death stare that other people give in restaurants or Church when your kid is lying on the ground kicking and throwing mac-n-cheese. Equally as awesome is looking like a child abductor EVERY time you walk through a public parking lot dragging a kid who's screaming "No no! Help me somebody please!". It's fun really. It's like a game. A game that you lose.
7. The death of free-time. Feed me. Dress me. Bathe me. Play with me. Transport me. Pay for me. Me! But not you. Never you. Remember that time you sat around in your PJs all day watching every episode of Friends with only your good friends Ben and Jerry to keep you company? You'll be lucky if you have time to choke down the leftovers of Jr's lunchable in the car on the way to soccer practice. But not the name brand lunchable, thats not in the budget.
8. You have to pay for all their things. Speaking of budget, get another job. Because if you survive the hospital bill from just birthing the kid you'll spend the rest of your able bodied years paying for all the clothes and the food and the supplies and the events and the registrations and the tuition and the toys, oh the toys. And thats all before...
9. Teenagers. I don't have any yet but I've heard horror stories. I mean, if you can get them to 18 without them doing drugs, getting pregnant, flunking out of school or sexting (gosh, is that really a word?) then you MIGHT have a fighting chance of sending a semi well adjusted adult into society. And THEN maybe you can sleep. Or die.
10. Worry. From the moment that little pee stick turns pink to the moment you die- you will never stop worrying about them. You'll find yourself doing crazy things like creeping into their nursery late at night and getting as close to their tiny nose as humanly possible without waking them so that you can make sure that they are still breathing. Because the fear of losing that little pooping, screaming, puking being of inconvenience is much greater than risk of waking them up after they FINALLY fall asleep. You worry about where they will go and who they will become and how damaged they will be on the journey.
Ok, I've made my point. Parenting is inconvenient. These are all reasons that I've heard people give for not having children. But thats not to say they aren't very true. Believe me when I say they are true. So. Very. True. Every single one of them.
So, why then? Why even do it?
Simply, because it's worthy.
And yes, like anything worthy, it is difficult. But, since when is difficulty and inconvenience a reason not to do something that is true, beautiful and good? Because, it's not just a preference or thing that parenting 'type' of people do. It is a reality, like breathing, something bigger than you or me. Sure, some people are crappy parents. Some people do horrible things to their children. Are you really afraid you'll be one of those people? Both Hitler and Mother Teresa had parents. You'll probably fall somewhere in between. And I'll tell you something you've probably heard a million times before but is no less true, as I was writing that list I was laughing. Not because I'm so funny, but because even while every sentence of it is true, all of those horrible things pale in comparison to the absolute joy and beauty that they bring into your life. Hands down, no comparison.
And finally, because there is not a single other thing in this life that you will do that has a chance of making you into the better human being that you can become, by giving your life so completely to others, in the way that you do as a parent. Selflessness is gut-wrenchingly purifying. And really, isn't that why we're here? To be the people God intended for us to be; the holiest, most whole, versions of ourselves?
Addendum: This is something I failed to add initially but is crucial. Biological (or physical if you want to call it that) parenting belongs to the institution of Marriage, the two are inseparable. That being said, we are all, in EVERY state of life, called to be mothers and fathers in some sense. I have and know of many 'spiritual' mothers and 'fathers' who exemplify many of the same qualities in their relationships with their spiritual children. They are no less mothers and fathers than those with children of their own. This kind of parenting is particular to it's supernatural and beautifully sacrificial call.
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